Gender fluidity conveys a wider, more flexible range of gender expression, with interests and behaviours that may even change from day to day. Gender fluid children do not feel confined by restrictive boundaries of stereotypical expectations of girls or boys. (x)
I really want to put out there some of my stories. I think stories, especially from minorities, are really important as they encourage understanding. I mean you, you may know the definition of Genderfluid, but do you really understand why people use that identity. Do you understand how people feel day to day? So here is my personal story of how I found my gender identity.
To start with, I feel that I should say that I was brought up in a Catholic household; gender and sexuality where not something that we were encouraged to explore, but from a very young age (9/10) I felt different to the way girls were portrayed on TV and in movies; I didn’t understand why girls my age acted the way they did. As a small child with no understanding of gender, I put it down to being a little strange (I am a little strange :P)
As I got older, into my early to mid teens, I started to actually fluctuate between the male and female without realising. I would wake up some days wanting to be delicate and pretty, I wanted to gossip with girls, I wanted to do nothing but be like every other girl in my year. However, other days I would be moodier. I would be angry as I was not strong enough, not hard enough, not seen as one of the boys.
Now, please don’t confuse this for normal hormonal teenage behaviour as I’ve talked to cis and trans* people about how I was feeling and what I was experiencing and this was more than just that.
Entering my late teens I entered a distinctly female period of my life. This was the reason why it took me so long to understand my gender;
- I was in a series of controlling relationship with men who had very low self-esteem, which lead to me trying to be a feminine and “beautiful” as I could be
- Regularly loosing the interest of boys due to my more masculine traits
- Only getting positive re-enforcement for my looks and personality on the days when I female
There may be thousands of more reasons, but I really feel like this was what made me suppress any and all male traits that I had. It also made me an angry, judgemental and controlling human being and I’m so glad to be past this point in my life and to have learnt from it.
Lastly, we have my early 20’s. When I was 21 I ended the last of these controlling relationships and did it in such a way that really set me free to explore the world outside of relationships, family and religion and guess what… I fucking loved it!! I had never before this point realised how amazing the world was, how beautiful gender, sexuality and all forms of self-expression could be! This was the point in my life that I came across the word Genderfluid. I can tell you that I didn’t even have to see the definition, I didn’t have to ask people, I didn’t have to discuss my feelings… It just felt fucking right!
So now I go by Robin when I’m male and my birth name when I’m female and I feel so good about it.
I hope this post wasn’t too long and you found it interesting and maybe educational. Maybe ;)
Thanks for reading!