I hate not being able to sleep. It happens to me sometimes and normally it happens because there is too much playing on my mind. I never thought that being a grown up would be so stressful. No one told me the horrors of bills, taxes and full-time employment. A few months ago I was talking in my sleep about work, due to the stress it was causing me. Sometime I thought I’d never do. I really thought that I would get an eduction, find a job I enjoyed, marry a man I loved and live happily ever after.
My plan certainly didn’t take into account the terrible years in your early 20’s where you have no idea what it is that you are doing with your life. My early 20’s have so far been consumed by; coming out, not having enough money, getting terrible jobs, finding feminism (which is good, but has also lead to a lot of arguments and loss of friends), not having enough money, living away from home and… not having enough money.
And it is all these things that keep me up at night. Right now I’m about 2 hours past my bed time (yeah, I still have one of those!) and I know tomorrow will now be hard and I haven’t worked out anything I’ve been thinking about and still don’t think I can go to sleep yet. And round and round in circles I go getting myself more worked up and stressed than ever before.
It’s at moments like these I need to step back and remember that I’ve had some great times and met some great people too. And, thankfully, things do get better. In the last 2 months I have come out to loads more people about my gender, starting asking for my correct pro-nouns and names, set my sight of what I do want to be doing with my life and finally gotten myself a full-time job.
Does that mean everything is not hunky-dory? No, but, I need to remind myself that right now, I’m lying here, trying to sleep, stressing myself out about things that don’t need to be dealt with right now and that sometimes I just need to take a step back and appreciate just how well everything is going!